“YOU HAVE TO LIVE WHAT YOU ARE.” | The Female Grail with Durga Holzhauser


I was a penniless student without any support from home, another surgery in my imminent future, and a broken heart from my first real love marrying another woman.

In a vision I had of one of my inner gurus, he invited me on a pilgrimage to India. I did not have the money for such a trip, but my heart said yes, and the money arrived the next day when I secured a new work project. It was so much money, it was a miracle in itself. Used to traveling in small, spare rooms and scraping by, I suddenly had enough to support me in beautiful comfort as my journey continued.

I arrived in India. I sat on a Five-Star hotel terrace, sipping tea, listening to an elegant Italian woman tell a story about the guru I was about to meet for the first time on that trip.

A very rich lady had decided to turn up in the ashram in a very modest, even poor look, contrary to her usual rich and decorated appearance. The guru invited her to an interview, and in front of all other people in the interview room he asked, “Why does she come to me with her poorest clothes? Does she think I am not worth it? At home she smartens up. But not for me.”
“But Swami, I wanted to be like everyone else here and not stand out with all my clothes and jewelry. I wanted to be a poor pilgrim like others.”

And here was the sentence that changed my life:

“No,” he answered. “You have to live what you are.”

That day and that journey would turn around my whole life.

The pilgrimage opened a new universe for me:

I was cured from wearing the borrowed clothes I had arrived in. At the ashram, when I bought my first royal sari and Swami showered me with smiles and candies that day. I understood the message instantly:

I want you to show up in your dignity and shining light.

I was cured from choosing the ascetic conditions I had become used to. When I entered a monastery boarding room nearby the ashram, where I had planned to stay, the voice of God turned into a thunder, shaking every cell of my body:

“How many lives more do you want to spend in ashrams and monasteries? You had enough. Get out of here.”

The weeks after I spent in Five-Star hotel rooms, and a spacious suite in the ashram itself. I went out for lovely lunches and rented taxis for every occasion. On my flight home, my ticket was exchanged at the airport and I flew home in first class with an economy ticket.

God thought that my completeness needed the balance of abundance after so many lives letting go worldly seductions.

I was cured from worries about money. Something in me had tuned into the flow of money since that visit to India. It comes when it is needed.

I was cured from believing in conventional medicine, when I finally had my surgery and shocked the doctors with physical impossibilities. I had no pain for my condition, which was extreme, and turned benign.

I was cured from cynicism about love, because my prayers for meeting the love of my life rotated in my heart like a prayer wheel.

From that visit in India forward, with encounters with wonderful Ganeshas, Shivas and Goddesses, my life transformed from godless desert into celebration of my Self. Even through difficulties, this voice of God never left me again. It became my teacher to embrace life and live who I am.

Coming into inner self is the most powerful moment of enlightenment. Poverty and great wealth are glittering seducers trying to distract us from the essence. Poverty can be the most significant journey of beauty, and wealth can be the overdose killing the breath of our souls. The divine core is hungry for evolution and essence.

God had taught me that my soul had projected a dream of my fulfillment, for my path on earth. God’s soul dress is walking into worldly dress to find wholeness.

“Life is an adventure,” God said, “dare it!”

And I dared to dream.

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